Sir Patrick Spews
The King sits in Dunfermline town, "I can't afford to buy more wine:
I'll have to do an insurance job upon this mighty boat of mine."
Then up there spoke a bonny boy sitting at the King's right knee.
"Sir Patrick Spens is a lousy sailor: last time, he was sick on me."
...The King has written a broad letter, and worded it most carefully,
...sending word unto Sir Patrick to sail the ship to Italy.
"An enemy then this must be, who dropped the excrement so free
for I was never a very good seaman, and I've no seasick pills on me."
"Last night I dreamt that Robert Bruce was doing rude things with a goose,
and that is a sign of what's to be: we're buggered if we go to sea."
...The shipping forecast was not good, as Brian Perkins read "I fear
...a storm force 10 – in sea areas Dogger, Tyne, and North Utsire."
Then up there spoke a mermaiden, a mobile phone all in her hand:
"Text 'SEX' to 8 2 3 4 7, and very soon you'll be in hea.....ven".
"Long may the ladies stand at the entrance to the docks
Before they see their bonny sailors half undressed and in their socks."
...The insurance company paid up, the king has once more filled his cup,
...But forty miles off Aberdeen, Sir Patrick Spens no more will sup.